Rebut of the Tiger

Dear Big Guy,

It has been more than a week of not hearing from you. Hours that I am sure you have spent playing your online game did not even occur to you to write me a letter.

I have embraced the fact to let things go.

I am tired. So tired trying to catch up with you. So tired trying to not be affected.

Tonight is the 4th night he has been sleeping with me in my officemate's house. He has accompanied without any doubt in hopes that things will be good for me and him. Seriously, it is. But not until last night I have spoken to him on  our situation.

He was somehow right. If I don't like the karma, why am I doing this to you?

I have realized now how he tried to be decent and how he was such a good friend to sleep over after I was being stalked by a cab driver.

Am sure you were busy with some family matters, a raid, or just sleeping the day off.

Just made me realize more, how it is. How sad it is in my predicament right now.

He's now sleeping on the sofa. Feeling bad on how my relationship is with you... and with him.

Yeah. That's life. I guess I have to let go... Let go of both and focus on something else more. Something more fulfilling than waiting or working for that love to be for me. Expecting. I guess I have to embrace I will be walking in a home with no one to cook for me, greet me, or anything else.

No one to hug. No one to talk to. Just a little laptop in a little corner and seeing things in a more passive way just to lessen the pain.

Or the loneliness.

I guess this is without a doubt a goodbye.

It's rather insulting. Very insulting of all things that you see that I would be cheating you.

Then again, with the way you are treating me, maybe I would.

Among the two of us, you were the one who slept with your ex and gave me the reason that you were taking revenge.

BS.

Seriously, of all things you could think of. Even worse to think that I have just sent you some cash again to cross the bills and not the kids starve and lose you.

This is the thanks that I get?

Give me a few more. Few more. I swear I will detach myself on everything.

It is now Day 7 since I came back. We met 2 times which turned out that I spent on everything. Sheesh. Even the stuff that YOU SO LOVE TO DO, I SPENT. GOOD GRIEF.

I hate you for turning me into such a person. Damn it.

1. I'm no longer working  in our country.
2. You're unemployed for months.
3. You're arrogant and resilient.
4. I don't believe that your children love me.
5. I don't see with how things are going you will pay for your annullment.
6. I am very uneasy on the idea of you being part of my family.
7. It seems impossible to get you to work here.
8. I am slowly realizing more how immature you are.
   
9. ...
10. ...

I think I'll have to think more.

But right now, regardless of me being busy at work, I still sit down and think about us and would we actually be together and we would last...

I do not know now how I feel.

I love you, Big Guy.

I know. Maybe am on low eq special thanks to my sister.

But seriously, even before... I do feel that they never really liked me. Strip away my know how on Photoshop, Illustrator, Dreamweaver, my camera... or my Zen.

They don't adore me. They don't like me in any special uplifting way.

But still I have loved you. Still I have tried to check on them. Sure I wasn't there physically all the time, but I do try my best...

It kinda sucks knowing that... you shower them gifts and they don't personally say thank you. Worse even, to know that at some angle it does look like a bribe.

Sucks really.

Like everyday life, when you seem to have passed one problem, you seem to have another one coming in.

My preparation into moving here has been toxic... tiring... getting here and finding my place has been toxiic even. With the heavy realization that whom I have thought of as my friends turned out not so good.

I am left with Allan who has been patient with me and waited for me and now we are going to push thru with the Government program of low rent places.I hope it works...

Finally being able to somehow live harmoniously with my flat mates, it seems it is now "our" that is next in line for the problem list.

Yes, there were the sweet I love yous and I miss yous that seemed at the start to  be really painful to us... Then it became the I love yous and I miss yous and an oddly hanging statement.

I offered to help you with your predicament. You wouldn't allow me to. You've been hiding stuff from me - especially you being unable to eat or the kids unable to go to school and are sick. Rethinking of this... I remembered suddenly how I felt bad on it. You're pushing me away. The stress of not knowing and always guessing is too much.

Worst even, P's involvement in helping me out has made you push me more.

I read your post. Breath. Oddly, you seem to have forgotten you told me that song. But hey, it comes with age. As well it comes with age that you have forgotten the day we first met.

I crossed the road. You called and looked. "You do know I have to go right?" and you said Yes. I continued to run off and went to the parking lot to grab the car and fetch my mother. Texted you what a great time I had and the next thing I knew, we were on the phone and two days next we were out again.

It hurts me more to realize that I have been there for you and right now you don't seem to remember it or value it.

Why do I even have to suffer what your former girlfriends did to you? I'm not even like them.

Here I am at work alone and I thought I could just work and seem to forget everything... on a Saturday. But I guess I was wrong.

Today is my birthday. Two hours and 40 minutes in.

I've already spent around USD1000 for you USD500 of which went to your ex's  pocket just to get your grandfather's watch back. Paid for the time we're together as well. Gave you USD10 every time after we meet so that you can get home and still go out the following day. Food too... Especially your coffee.

Today is my birthday. Not long... 10... maybe 15 minutes ago you logged off.

Not even a "Happy Birthday" came in for me. If ever something came in for me, that was the headache the day before since you slept the day away when we are supposed to meet up. I could've waken you up. But I didn't. This is a sign of lack of discipline. Yeah, you called... 4 hours after what was agreed. Sounding all so cheery. All so excited. I wish I could be too. But how could I? My days are numbered, my family bustling on me, and you being the biggest pestilence and irresponsible person there could be.

You only hear what you want to hear. You didn't even understand my day.

I am slowly realizing this is a losing battle and now I seem to have another reason to look forward to the day I move out of the country.   

It is weird to come back to this blog and realize...

What the hell. We're back together again.

Thank you for post... Everything, August 16.

I think I've told you about this before. But seriously, I think without any doubt in my heart that we are in love. Maybe it's just funny. Funny to think that, well, it sounded all so perfect.

I just hope what I am to do next... is worth it.

Sadly, without a doubt.

All those high moments in emotion was nothing more but a facade.

After learning you slept with your ex, you had the closure, that's it. The End.

We have no well defined commitments and I still snapped. I guess I have to.

So I guess for a second post this is it.

The End.

I need not brag about it though sometimes you could hear me joke about it.

Once I was a black sheep in our family in a small special way. Yes, I did not do drugs. Yes, I did not go on violence.

But as early as 14 I had sex.

I have spat back to my parents.

I had wished them to be dead.

I tried to be the opposite of my sister.

I lied to them.

True, everyone has done this. True, it is normal. But sadly, I have a conscience. I try hard to make everyone happy on days that I have to be mature and behaved. I feel I am like a child still and yet I know soon enough I have to be bold, independent enough to face them.... because they won't last any longer.

She is getting married. I feel bad about it. Haven't had a lot of time with her in going to beaches touring the world. November is her wedding. Look where am I a disgruntled worker, underpaid, still same ol' me. I go out yes but monitored by the baby. I haven't been sexually pleased. I haven't slept in anyone's house because I wanted to hang out.

I feel that I owe my family too much but I hate them so at times.

Blame it on him. Him who taught me to be good to my family. Him who taught me it feels great to be in a good conscience. Him to feel so damn alive to share stories of him to my family and feels like he is part of my family. Big Guy, him... is not God but a guy whom I have also loved before... And I know that you know, I feel still that love and still waiting for him.... with or without your psychic powers.

What is worst even that I love you and my mother does not approve of it, my sister does not like you... and my dad doesn't know about you.

It is but a sad, sad thing that I try to make you happy. Sad even that I had to lie to them. Sad that I feel like a highschool student with a secret I have to keep especially if we go out.

Do you know how it feels for me to even try to find a way to be alone with you without arising suspicion and bringing in someone into the story?

It's hard.

Really hard.